The Venetia Fair and Infectious Magazine have partnered to bring you a series of tour diaries from the band during their Every Sick Disgusting Thought We’ve Got In Our Brains tour. Check out the fourth and final entry by Mr. Chark after the jump and purchase a CD here!
Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, we returned home alive, yet again. For those of you new to our band, this means that our fans are weaker than us. We have urged them multiple times in the past (and will continue to do so in the future) to try and kill us. Another thing to keep in mind for those of you who are new to our band, is that we are gods and our fans are mere peasants. They toil in the audience, pushing each other around and trying to sing over Benny, while we dance gracefully above them. But sometimes we tire of being so unbelievably godlike, so we ask our fans to kill us. So far we’ve been disappointed.
My last tour update ended shortly after our Philadelphia show. The burn wounds healed as they always do, unless they scar. Sometimes burn wounds will do that. This time they didn’t.
We found ourselves in New York City, AKA ‘The Big Apple’, AKA ‘The City That Never Sleeps’, AKA ‘The Worst Place in the World for a Van and Trailer’. We hate New York City, except for Mike because he likes Coney Island. To New York City: get some real roads and get some parking spots.
That day we had an interview on The Gunz Show, which was very exciting for us since we all hate Gunz personally and we’d never actually been to his studio before. We were disappointed to find out that it was not in his mother’s basement, and it was actually in a very tall building above Madison Square Garden. After we all smelled Gunz and inspected him thoroughly, we got in front of microphones and talked about disgusting things. It was very professional. He tricked us into becoming friends with him, but we still hate him. Later that night we played at the Vibe Lounge on Long Island. If you aren’t familiar with that venue, it is the ultimate test of a merch person’s meddle. If you ever have doubts about whether or not your merch person is competent, play the Vibe Lounge and see how they do. Asspoop did splendidly since he’s the best merch person in the world and we love him. Is it offensive to call someone a merch person? I don’t know what to call that job title.
The next day we played at a new art gallery in Amagansett, NY. We expected the show to be boring since art is boring but it turned out to be one of the wildest shows on this tour. We broke a lot of things and the crowd did their part to help break things as well. There were also some poisonous bugs in the building that Benny fed to me on stage. They stung the inside of my mouth but I’ve been drinking a lot of baby water so it was fine.
We then travelled to Middletown, NY to play one of our favorite venues- Sound Asylum. We like it because Momma Ruckus always cooks dinner for us. She was recovering from hand surgery that night so she couldn’t make it out to the show so we drank Yoo-hoo! and Coke in her honor. I tried to film Chris beating off but he foiled my plan by texting me a picture of his shit, revealing the hidden camera, my phone. Bummer.
We played a rock and roll concert in Providence, RI.
By that time we were back in Boston. We went to the Converse store on Newbury St. to buy shoes but instead we decided to play a rock and roll concert. We didn’t buy any shoes that day. Come to think of it, none of us wear Converse shoes. For those of you who haven’t played a rock and roll concert in a Converse store, I highly recommend it. We had a lot of fun. During the set, Benny punched me in the face with his microphone and I thought I lost more teeth but I counted and they are all still there. Except the two teeth that I’m missing. Don’t worry, Benny and I are still friends. Sometimes we cry together but not because we’re pussies (we are not pussies).
Overall, the tour went very well. I would like to thank all of the many fans (and not-fans) who came out to the shows because I had a good time. I would also like to complain to all of the many fans (and not-fans) who came out the shows because we are all still alive. You failed. You let us down. You are all pussies. You are all weak. We are stronger. You left us whole enough to get back to our miserable lives at home, and now we are fucking miserable. We can’t wait to get back on the road to give all of you worms another chance.
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